Unorgainized Mess

Airplane Fourteen passengers on a small commuter plane, strapped in, waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient, but the ground staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter.
The entrance at the rear of the aircraft opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot's uniforms - both wearing dark glasses. A seeing-eye dog leads one, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane gathers speed, moving freely, faster and faster down the runway, when people at the windows realize that they're getting closer and closer to the end of the runway and that they will never take off. Hysterical, panic stricken screams fill the cabin, but just at that very last possible moment, the plane lifts off smoothly, and sails up, into the sky.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon, they have all retreated into their papers and magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is indeed in safe hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

death of a friend An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well", he replied, "Today is the viewing."

6th grade A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Subject: Old Tex An old Texas cowboy dressed to kill with his cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences.... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a shortwhile he asked her what she was.
"I am a lesbian," said the young woman. "I've spent my whole life thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real Texas Cowboy?"
"Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

jokes.com Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman.
The northern woman turns up her nose. "Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?"
The southern woman thinks about this for a second. "Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

priest The elder priest, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir."
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads 'Toot 'n Tell or go to Hell.'"

Boudreaux was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine".
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Boudreaux, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?"
Boudreaux answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom".
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
Boudreaux replied, "Yes"!
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Boudreaux's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."
Boudreaux's mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied. "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four!"

Subject: The Fly There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate... And ate... and then .. she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead Fly.... The moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her he same question - "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

Another BAD DAY Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Diving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels... the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, this made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife---she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. AND MISTER, I TOLD HER!"

TALE OF TWO VIDEOS TITANIC VIDEO: $19.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing).

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "Car NT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized rear.
9. The air bag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Top ten Slogans being considered by Viagra.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

Obsessions The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why, you've even named your daughter 'Candy.'"
To the second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name. 'Penny.'"
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Dick."

dirty minds
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's

10 Things That Piss Me Off (This was originally an e-mail and I thought the part at the bottom was funny, so I left it :) )
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy... where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury Doughboy is way too happy, considering that he doesn't have a dick!
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
4. When people say... "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too."? Fuck off!!!? What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do... eat someone else's piece of cake instead?
5. When people say... "It's always the last place you look." No shit!!? Why the fuck would you keep looking for it after you've already found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie... "Did you see that?" No, dickhead, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole, you're the one that fucking pulled me over!
Here's the 10th thing that really fucking bugs me....
10. Chain letters!
Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!! What a crock of shit!!!
By the way, if you send this to 10 people, shit won't happen,and that person you're in love with won't come crawling to you ... so if you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some one else, but don't expect one fucking thing in return!

Have a nice day!

Dirty Minds 1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6). What does a dog do that you can step into?
7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his snow boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, they finally succeeded and she had by now worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
She looked and, sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, and then she had to wrestle the stubborn boots on again. Just as she finished lacing them he announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue to keep from screaming, "Why didn't you say so?" Once again she struggled to pull off the ill-fitting boots. He then calmly added, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them."
She began to realize how close she was to stripping her gears as she struggled with the boots yet again.
When they were finally laced, she said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots," he said.

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines! Have a great day and remember, things aren't always as they appear.

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first lady immediately had a stroke. Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far..

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to Las Vegas with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to Las Vegas."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to Las Vegas."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied, "I told her First Class wasn't going to Las Vegas."

A cat's diary DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayons in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-faced opinion would be....
6. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce myselves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
18. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. GO HOME!!

TRUE mood ring!! My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!

Conception? The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep trying to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE 10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all [Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."

Only In America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put your useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: .... 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's 'just' a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows day... ]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: 1. open packet, 2. eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". [Was there a chance of this happening?.....Good grief!]

"English Is A Crazy Language!" There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger and neither pine nor apple in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why not the plural of booth is beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up an essay, I end it!

1) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
2) The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
3) If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.
4) A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
5) When blondes have more fun do they know it?
6) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
7) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
8) Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
9) The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
10) I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners' permit.
11) He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
12) I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes.
13) Time is fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit The Frog .
14) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
15) Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.
16) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
17) All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
18) If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
19) Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
20) Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22) Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
23) Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
24) Gun Control: Use both hands.
25) Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.
26) To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
27) If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.
28) Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
29) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
30) Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
31) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
32) Half The People In The World Are Below Average.
33) Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.
34) Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.
35) Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
36) I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.
37) Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.
38) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
39) If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
40) If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?
41) Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
42) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A giggle a day keeps the shrink away . . .
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.

What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

100 Things I Will Do When I Become an Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexi-glass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small for a man to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe- deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisers will be an average five- year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117, just as the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite it's proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

4. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have backup control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organisation. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an adviser says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the adviser.

47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh laptops.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. Deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will themselves be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisers ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state- approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super- weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will at least wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off when he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger who stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way, if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. All starships, hovercraft, and escape vehicles will require a key to start and will be equiped with a standard car alarm.

99. Morale amoung my legions of terror will be well above the point of revolt. Additionaly, all slave species will be treated with respect. Uprisings can be so annoying.

100. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticising each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives, at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

today's random thought: What is the speed of dark?

Bad food A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old woman in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"!

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriends house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!!!!.

I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Yours truly,
Gary Condit

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. What do I need? A restraining order?
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

Great Signs:

Veterinary's office: "All unattended children given a free kitten"
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."
Radiator repair shop ad: "A great place to take a leak."

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breath a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning The milkman dropped dead on our porch."

FUN FACTS TO AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS: Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. Pearls melt in vinegar. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five persent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications) The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The airplane Buddy Holly died in, was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the Great Hearts - Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar. 111,111,111,x111,111,111, = 12,345,678,987,654,321 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the espression - "to get fired." Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." James Doohan, who plays LT. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20

College Version of: > >'Twas the Night Before Christmas > >'Twas the night before finals, >And all through the college, >The students were praying, >For last minute knowledge. > >Most were quite sleepy, >But none touched their beds, >While visions of essays >danced in their heads. > >Out in the taverns, >A few were still drinking, >And hoping that liquor >would loosen up their thinking. > >In my own apartment, >I had been pacing, >And dreading exams >I soon would be facing. > >My roommate was speechless, >His nose in his books, >And my comments to him >Drew unfriendly looks. > >I drained all the coffee, >And brewed a new pot, >No longer caring >That my nerves were shot. > >I stared at my notes, >But my thoughts were muddy, >My eyes went ablur, >I just couldn't study. > >Some pizza might help, >I said with a shiver, >But each place I called >Refused to deliver. > >I'd nearly concluded >That life was too cruel, >With futures depending >On grades had in school. > >When all of a sudden, >Our door opened wide, >And Patron Saint Put It Off >Ambled inside. > >Her spirit was careless, >Her manner was mellow, >She looked around the room >She started to bellow: > >What kind of student >Would make such a fuss, >To toss back at teachers >What they tossed at us?? > >On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! >On Last Year's Exams! >On Wingit and Slingit, >And Last Minute Crams!? > >Her message delivered, >She vanished from sight, >But we heard her laughing >Outside in the night. > >Your teachers have pegged you, >So just do your best. >Happy Finals to All, >And to All, a good test.

God was pleased. (cy) >>A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer >>to >>"Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the >>garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are >>lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." >>And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be >>with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that >>you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or >>childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as >>you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created >>a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. >>And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve >>and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the >>animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." >>And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a >>reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own >>name, >>and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a >>companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was >>pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to >>pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have >>become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they >>believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they >>are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create >>for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as >>they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will >>know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to >>be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam >>and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the >>supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly >>improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a >>shit >>one way or the other.

ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS > > > >> > > > >>1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod) > > > >> > > > >>2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) > > > >> > > > >>3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" > > > >> > > > >>4. "Procrastinate Now" > > > >> > > > >>5. "Rehab Is for Quitters" > > > >> > > > >>6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" > > > >> > > > >>7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" > > > >> > > > >>8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) > > > >> > > > >>9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing > Since > > > >>15" > > > >> > > > >>10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" > > > >> > > > >>11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names" > > > >> > > > >>12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software" > > > >> > > > >>13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" > > > >> > > > >>14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" > > > >> > > > >>15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" > > > >> > > > >>16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" > > > >> > > > >>17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music" > > > >> > > > >>18. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" > > > >> > > > >>19. "Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog" > > > >> > > > >>20. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on." > > > >> > > > >>21. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." > > > >> > > > >>22. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" > > > >> > > > >>23. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand > > > times > > > >>the memory." > > > >> > > > >>24. "The Meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it." > > > >> > > > >>25. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." > > > >> > > > >>26. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment > > > for > > > >>a pig." > > > >> > > > >>27. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." > > > >> > > > >>28. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." > > > >> > > > >>29. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" > > > >> > > > >>30. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" > > > >> > > > >>31. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson." > > > >> > > > >>32. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" > > > >> > > > >>33. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." > > > >> > > > >>34. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." > > > >> > > > >>35. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team." > > > >> > > > >>36. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning > > > >>medicine." > > > >> > > > >>37. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research." > > > >> > > > >>38. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought > he > > > > > > >>was God, and I didn't."

Dentist >> >>The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave >>her the usual >> >>"This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in >>his hand. >> >>He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a >>barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" >> >>"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each >>other, are we?"

STUPID PEOPLE SHOULD WEAR SIGNS >> >>Stupid people should have to wear signs that simply say, "I'm Stupid." >>That way you wouldn't rely on them. You wouldn't ask them anything. It >>would be like, "Excuse me . . . oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." >>It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and >>there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and >>says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or >>twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." >> >>A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled >>his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this >>idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, ya catch all them fish?" "No, I talked 'em >>into giving up. Here's your sign." >> >>I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. >>There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way >>to test it. "All right Timmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good on >>you....they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if >>it >>hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't >>wanna >>lose it." >> >>Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those >>side-of-the-road >>gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, >>looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. >>I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled >>right up on me. Here's your sign." >> >>We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to >>the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back >>to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the >>exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing >>his sign, I could have stopped him. >> >>I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't >>ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I >>couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and >>eventually >>a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic >>questioning. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign . . . until he >>asked, "So . . . is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked >>at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm >>delivering" a bridge . . . here's your sign."

Food for Thought >> >>"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable >>job. >>But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of >>the night, drop them off at the wrong house." >>--- Jeff Foxworthy >> >>"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a >>riding vacuum cleaner." >>--- Roseanne >> >>"I think this is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York >>said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold >>enough. Let's go west.'" >>--- Richard Jeni >> >>"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and >>that's >>the law." >>--- Jerry Seinfeld >> >>"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a >>single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall >>people burn slower?" >>--- Warren Hutcherson >> >>"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they >>can find Kuwait." >>--- A. Whitney Brown >> >>"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. >>They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All >>the >>general has to do is >>walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say >>you >>look fat in those uniforms.'" >>--- Elayne Boosler

Bumper Sticker Phrases -Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. -We're staying together for the sake of the cats. -It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. -My karma ran over your dogma. -Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. -This is not an abandoned vehicle. -I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. -Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. -Welcome to Texas, now go home. -It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. -If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. -Life's too short to dance with ugly men. -Life's too short to dance with ugly women. -My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. -When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). -I is a college student. -Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. -Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. -Sorry, I don't date outside my species. -Will Rogers never met a lawyer. -Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. -It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. -Don't steal. The government hates competition. -Is there life before coffee? -Never play leap frog with a unicorn. -Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. -Cover me. I'm changing lanes. -The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. -I Cayman went. -My other wife is beautiful. -I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? -Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. -Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. -Geez if you belive in honkus. -Friends don't let friends drive naked. -Save California; when you leave take someone with you. -I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. -There's one in every crowd and they always find me. -If money could talk, it would say goodbye. -When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. -Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. -If it's too loud, you're too old. -Wink. I'll do the rest. -The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. -An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. -Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. -I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. -Who cares who's on board? -No radio. Already stolen. -Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. -Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. -Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities. -Exxon Suxx. -Honk if you love cheeses. -Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. -I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. -So many pedestrians, so little time.

Your New Name >> > >> >Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some >> >silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...Follow the >>instructions >> >to find your funny name. >> > >> >Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name: >> > >> >a = stinky >> >b = lumpy >> >c = buttercup >> >d = gidget >> >e = crusty >> >f = greasy >> >g = fluffy >> >h = cheeseball >> >i = chim-chim >> >j = poopsie >> >k = flunky >> >l = booger >> >m = pinky >> >n = zippy >> >o = goober >> >p = doofus >> >q = slimy >> >r = loopy >> >s = snotty >> >t = falafel >> >u = dorkey >> >v = squeezit >> >w = oprah >> >x = skipper >> >y = dinky >> >z = zsa-zsa >> > >> >Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of >>your >>NEW last name: >> > >> >a= diaper >> >b = toilet >> >c = giggle >> >d = bubble >> >e = girdle >> >f = barf >> >g = lizard >> >h = waffle >> >i = cootie >> >j = monkey >> >k = potty >> >l = liver >> >m = banana >> >n = rhino >> >o = burger >> >p = hamster >> >q = toad >> >r = gizzard >> >s = pizza >> >t = gerbil >> >u = chicken >> >v = pickle >> >w = chuckle >> >x = tofu >> >y = gorilla >> >z = stinker >> > >> >Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of >>your NEW last name: >> > >> >a = head >> >b = mouth >> >c = face >> >d = nose >> >e = tush >> >f = breath >> >g = pants >> >h = shorts >> >i = lips >> >j = honker >> >k = butt >> >l = brain >> >m = tushie >> >n = chunks >> >o = hiney >> >p = biscuits >> >q = toes >> >r = buns >> >s = fanny >> >t = sniffer >> >u = sprinkles >> >v = kisser >> >w = squirt >> >x=humperdinck >> >y = brains >> >z = juice >> > >> >Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. >> >Go figure. >> > >> >Clinton's new name is Poopsie Liverchunks.

Subject: America in the 90's >> >>Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the >>America of the 1990s. >> >>If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her >>lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. >> >>If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll >>musician he liked. >> >>If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer >>your family blames the tobacco company. >> >>If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the >>school for poor sex education. >> >>If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you >>blame the bartender. >> >>If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was >>dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. >> >>If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. >> >>And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun >>manufacturer. >> >>God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.

>You Know You're a Teen of the Early 90s If... >1.) You know who Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello >2.) You remember the Milli Vanilli scandal. 3.) You religiously watched 90210, Melrose Place, Party of Five, and My So-Called Life. >4.) You tight-rolled your jeans. 5.) You wore big hoop earrings. >6.) You thought bellbottoms were horrible and couldn't >understand why anyone would've ever worn them. >7.) You knew how to do the dances called the MC >Hammer, the Roger Rabbit, and the running man. >8.) You owned a pair of K-Swiss, Keds, or Air Jordans. >9.) You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the coolest song >ever, and when your parents told you Vanilla Ice >would be a shot in the pan, you refused to believe >them. >10..) Your bangs were at least 4 inches high, and you >thought it looked good. >11.) You were a punk rocker for Halloween at least >once. >12.) You or your sister owned a banana barette and a >T-clip. >13.) A hairdryer was required to set your hair. >14.) You rolled up the sleeves of your t-shirts, and >tucked in the front, letting the back hang out. >15.) You had any "No Fear" or "B.U.M." clothing. >16.) You wore 2 pairs of neon colored socks. >17.) You wore overalls with only one side connected. >18.) You had Electric Youth perfume. >19.) You remember when cartoons were actually GOOD, >and not scary like the Teletubbies. >20.) You loved to slow dance to Power Ballads. >21.) You had a "slap bracelet". >22.) You wore your sweatpants pulled up to your knees. >23.) You had a black Debbie Gibson hat. >24.) You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul. >25.) You know the words to "The Humpty Dance". >26.) You owned the Bell Biv DeVoe tape. >27.) You said, "PSYCH" or "WAY!" >28.) You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times at the >theater. >29.) You loved the New Kids (and Joey was probably >your favorite.) >30.) You wore jeans pulled up to your navel. >31.) All of your clothes were "baggy". >32.) You owned a pair of biker shorts. >33.) You wore "water shoes" into the pool. >34.) You had a boom box, or your stereo was a weird >color like pink. >35.) You bought tapes instead of CDs. >36.) You never missed "Fresh Prince". >37.) You or someone you knew wore "Cross-Colors" >clothing. >38.) You remember when TLC weren't divas, and they >dressed like they were in the circus. >39.) You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a cool song. >40.) You "busted a move" while C&C Music Factory was >playing. >41.) You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part of Marky >Mark and the Funky Bunch". >42.) You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked into >your jeans. >43.) You had jeans in various colors, like green, >brown, black... >44.) You had a "Button Your Fly" t-shirt. >45.) You had a Ren and Stimpy t-shirt. >46.) You thought long-haired heavy metal bands would >never go out of style. >47.) You were addicted to Nintendo. >48.) There were multiple rubber bands on your pony >tail. >49.) You gave the "peace" sign all the time. >50.) You loved Beavis and Butthead. >51.) If you were a guy, you had your hair shaved >underneath and you parted it down the middle.